For a long four weeks he had been imprisoned, tortured and… he didn’t even want to think the word, which is how he ended up drunk off the highway sitting on the Impala with a gun in his hands. Sam felt empty; his will to live had long ago shattered until all he felt was a gapping black hole. What was the point of even being alive? Everyone who he loved was dead, more importantly, Dean was gone.
Dean, his big brother, his best friend, was gone and Sam had failed to find him. He took another long swig out of the bottle of whiskey he was drinking trying to ignore the blood coming from between his thighs coating his jeans red, trying to ignore the pain on his back, the pain radiating from his feet. Most importantly, Sam was trying to forget the pain he felt coming from his heart.
Sam looked at the gun in his hand, “Why not,” he asked aloud. Dean wasn’t around to stop him and if he died he would be able to see Dean again. They would be in heaven together riding the Impala down a long stretch of road remembering the good old days, seeing all of their old friends and their family, forgetting about their fucked up lives. Dying seemed to be better to Sam than staying alive in this God forsaken world.
With one last swig of his drink and, without hesitation, he put the gun right over his heart and pulled the trigger; everything went dark afterwards.
“Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you've ever been!”
Those words kept going around Sam’s mind over and over again even though it has been almost a whole week since Dean had spoken them. When Dean had come back it had been the best thing that could’ve happened to Sam. He was ecstatic when he had received the call from Dean and he had, as quickly as he could, gotten to Rufus’ cabin.
There had been the usual attack with the tests and when those had been passed, the reunion came. There was the hugging and the patting of backs and the happy feeling of seeing each other again but then, Dean had asked the question.
"Did you even look for me, Sam?"
A soon as Dean had said that Sam had a flashback of that long month being stuck in a basement with a bunch of crazy, sadistic, perverts. Dean, though, had taken Sam's silence as a 'no' and had immediately started attacking and Sam had let him.
Sam had let him because he’d rather Dean thought that Sam hadn’t looked for him than let him know the truth; that his little brother was a coward, that his little brother had failed to find him and had gotten captured. More than that Sam was afraid of Dean’s reaction.
Would he look at him with disgust? Would Dean think of him as weak? Or worse yet, would Dean look at Sam with pity? Sam wouldn’t be able to live through it if Dean ever looked at Sam with pity in his eyes. Sam was also afraid of what Dean would do if he found out; he would surely go after his attackers and kill them.
Sam was afraid that when (and he knew it wouldn’t be if, it would be when) he went after his attackers Dean would be hurt or worse, killed. Besides, his attackers had been human, (even if he did think that word loosely in describing them), and Sam didn’t want any more human blood on his hands because if Dean ever did find out and killed them, the blood would fall on Sam’s hands.
So he kept quiet and just took Dean’s jibes one at a time hoping that Dean would calm down after a while.
Still, it hurt Sam to hear his older brother, the person he looked up to the most, to say all those things to him; it hurt Sam to his very core. But he’ll take the blame and live through it as long as he had to.
Sam heard the motel door open and saw Dean walk in with food. He didn’t even glanced at Sam, just put the food down and got in the shower. For some reason Dean not talking to him or even glancing his way hurt a thousand times more than if Dean was giving him a snide remark. It felt as if Dean had given up on him, on them.
Sam gave a snort and said aloud, “Doesn’t that sound like a couple going through relationship problems. Dean is right, I am a friggin’ girl.”
Sam heard the shower turn off and suddenly he couldn’t stand the silence that he knew was going to come when Dean came out of the bathroom. Sam felt claustrophobic in the motel room and decided he needed to go out. So he left a note to Dean saying he would go out for a while, more out of habit because he knew Dean didn’t worry about him anymore, and went to go find a bar somewhere.
When Dean came out of shower and he didn’t see Sam sitting on his bed and sulking he started to panic a little. His duffel was still sitting on his bed so he hadn’t left him (again) and Dean hadn’t heard any struggling noises or sees anything upturned so Sam couldn’t have been kidnapped. Just then he saw the piece of paper under the six packs on the table and he went to go read it.
Dean, gone out for a while, don’t worry and don’t wait up. Be back soon
Dean just snorted and put the note down. Of course Sam would leave without at least waiting for Dean to come out and tell him in his face. He had to wait for Dean to be in the shower so he could go.
‘Whatever’, thought Dean and settled down on his bed with the remote in hand. Even while he was just in his motel room surfing through the TV, Dean couldn’t seem to calm down. He was always so wound tight and on high alert these days.
Dean knew that he was out of purgatory but his body seemed to have forgotten the memo and his instincts were always on high alert listening to every little sound and winding his body tight for an attack. Purgatory had done wonders for his hunting and fighting skills but made relaxing and winding down a bitch.
He wonders how well his instincts would’ve been like if Sam had found a way to get him out of purgatory but, of course his little brother had decided to abandon him in God’s prison for monsters for normal.
And ain’t that just a kick to the nads because even when Dean had promised not to look for a way to get Sam out of the cage, he still tried. But what does Sam do the moment it happens to Dean, he leaves him to rot and Sam goes and plays house with a girl and a dog. Just thinking about it made Dean get pissed off.
Dean kept changing the channels until he found some porn on the TV. Huh, he hadn’t known they had some free Skinemax. All well, he might as well enjoy, maybe some Casa Erotica was all he needed to relax some…
Dean woke to the sound of his phone ringing at three thirty in the morning. He saw the caller ID and groaned out loud, “What, Sam?”
“Hello, is this Dean?” A female voice asked on the other line. Dean was instantly alert.
“Yea, who are you and where’s my brother?”
“I’m going to assume that the really tall dude who looks as if someone has killed his puppy is your brother. He’s down here in Dowling’s bar right off 23rd. I was wondering if you can come get him. He is, like, ridiculously hammer and we’re about to close. I just don’t feel right sending him out like this, he could get hurt, you know.”
Dean just sighed and said, “I’ll be right there.”
He hung up the phone to just lie in bed for a minute or two. Dean knew where Dowling’s was at, he had been there just last night and it was just a two minute drive from here.
Still, Dean did not feel like getting up just to get his little brother out of trouble, again.
Dean still got up to get ready, though. After all Sam was a light weight and Dean didn’t want him walking out at night while he was drunk even if it was a ten minute walk. Even while mad Dean’s older brotherly instincts took over. Apparently those instincts never left even after a year of war and blood and death.
Dean got ready, got in the car and started driving towards the bar cursing at Sam because Dean could be sleeping right now instead of going to pick up an annoying brother that couldn’t keep his liquor down. Getting out of the car and opening the door to the bar, Dean was contemplating the best way to kick Sam’s ass...
“What the hell,” Dean had opened the door to see Sam crying in the corner while having his knees up and rocking himself. There was a petite red hair trying to calm Sam down.
“What the fuck is going on here,” Dean said while running towards his brother. As he got closer he could hear that Sam was whispering something to himself but Dean couldn’t really make out the words.
“Oh, thank God. Are you Dean, I am so glad you’re here.”
“What the hell happened?”
“Well, after I hung up that jerk Mike came up and started flirting with him. Sam said no but Mike started touching his thigh and then whispered something in Sam’s ear. Sam just went pale white, punched Mike and knocked him out and came to the corner and this… sort of happened.” She just shrugged at the end.
Dean was looking at the guy that the girl had pointed at. He was a little taller than Dean but buffer than either he or Sam. He was clearly out cold and he wasn’t going to get up anytime soon.
Dean turned away from him and in the gentlest voice that he could, started talking reassurance nonsense to Sam.
“Hey, Sammy, calm down now. I’m here now, shhh shh, now, don’t cry. I’m here; I’m here now, shh, shh.”
After a while Sam calmed down and his sobs had turned into hiccups. Dean just kept rubbing his back, talking to him.
“C’mon, Sammy, let’s get you up and put you into bed, okay?” Just as Sam started getting up the douchebag that was on the floor groaned and started getting up. Sam whimpered a little and started sitting back down.
“What the fuck happened,” said the guy (Mikey?) as he got up to his full height. Dean had been wrong the first time, the fucker had been taller than even Sam and it made Dean proud that his little brother was able to knock him out with just one blow even while drunk.
The blond douchebag got up, started shaking his head, and looked towards their direction. Dean got in front of his little brother ready to protect Sam as soon as he needed to. Mike just looked around for a second or two confused and then his eyes fell on Sam and mask of anger overcame his face.
“That little bitch, I’m going to beat the shit out of him,” and the son of a bitch just charged forward.
Dean’s big brother instincts to protect his kid and purgatory’s killer instincts came to the fore front and that was a horrible combination for Mike. The blond had no idea what had just hit him, he may have been taller than Sam and buffer than Dean but Dean had just spent the whole year killing things that could snap this fucker in half right down the middle. In the end it was no contest, Dean was on top of Mike beating the shit out him and enjoying it. This fucker had hurt his little brother and Dean was going to fucking kill him.
Just as Dean was about to hit Mike again he heard a whimper and a yell for him to ‘stop’. It wasn’t the yell that caught his attention (that had come from the red hair); it was the whimper that stopped him.
Through the red haze of rage and need to kill Dean was still attuned to his little brother and Sam was scared, if the whimper was anything to go by. Dean gave one last look to the guy who was now unconscious with bruises all over his face and most likely a few broken bones here and there, and then turned to look at his brother.
The little red hair woman was over Sam as if she was trying to protect him which would’ve been comical if Dean wasn’t actually kind of grateful that she would try to protect Sam.
Sheryl saw the tall angry man, Dean, walk towards her and the other man cowering on the floor and she folded more into herself and tried to also protect the guy, Sam. Dean was quite the sight. After she had seen him calm down Sam from having his panic attack he was about to leave with him when Mike had woken up. That’s when all hell had broken loose.
Sheryl knew Mike, unfortunately he was a regular. He kept bragging about all those weights that he does and how strong he is. He has started quite a few fights in the bar and Sheryl or Chris (the other bartender) would usually have to call the police to break it up. Mike also had the tendency to flirt and molest whoever caught his eyes whether they are male or female. They usually said no and he would get mad. Hell, guys that have been in the army had started fights with Mike for that very reason; Mike would lose some, Mike would win some. But she had never seen a guy like this before.
The moment Mike had charged Dean had just thrown a punch that almost knocked Mike out. But he didn’t stop there, he kept punching and kicking Mike and went on for a minute or two until she thought Dean would kill Mike. She had stood there frozen, trying to get in front of Sam (which is pretty funny she would think later) and yelled stop at the same time Sam whimpered ‘Dean’.
Just like that the punches stopped and Dean started walking towards them. Sheryl shrunk a little into herself and got closer to Sam. She could hear what he was whispering the whole time since he went to the corner and it was breaking her heart. She had a cousin that went through the same thing and even though it’s been 4 years she still has triggers that can give her full blown panic attacks; maybe that’s why she felt the need to protect him.
“Don’t worry; I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to get my brother and go home.”
Sheryl took a good look at him. He wasn’t hurt at all, he wasn’t breathing hard and he looked calm but she could see that was just a façade; he was close to exploding again and she kind of didn’t want Sam anywhere near him.
“Please, I just want to take him home and make sure he’s fine,” while he said that he looked so concerned and genuine that she believed him and stepped back.
Dean didn’t waste a second, he walked up to Sam and helped him get up, “Dee, I wanna go home, please take me home. Please.”
Hearing Sam use his childhood nickname and begging him broke Dean’s heart. Dean was also worried as to why his little brother was acting like this. Was it hell’s memories? Cas might have healed him of his hallucinations but the memories were still there and they could be affecting him right now.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and almost attacked again until he saw it was the red hair. She looked a little frightened but gave him a card.
“They really helped my cousin after it happened to her. She’s better now but if it happened to him recently it explains why he’s acting like that. Just give them a call.”
“Lady, I have no idea what you’re talking about but I doubt your cousin survived what my brother did.” She just smiled at him and said, “It might feel that way but there are support groups and though it might not be the same for everyone it is similar.”
Dean just rolled his eyes and took the card just to get her off his back.
“C’mon Sammy, let’s get you the in the car.” Sam didn’t let go of him he had crouched down and was hugging Dean around the waist. He knew that must not be comfortable for his gigantic brother but Dean didn’t say anything because he knew Sam needed to feel Dean close.
Dean went to the passenger side and put Sam in because Sam did not want to let go of Dean.
“C’mon Sammy, the sooner you get in the sooner we get to the motel,” Sam just whimpered and hugged Dean closer; Dean sighed.
“Sorry kiddo, but in you go,” he pushed Sam in the car and jogged quickly over to his side so Sam wouldn’t have a panic attack. The moment he went in Sam hugged him.
“Sam, I won’t be able to drive with you hugging me like this,” Dean had no idea what to do; Sam was clinging to Dean like when Sam was five years old.
“C’mon, kiddo, I’ll make you a deal, you can hold my hand while I drive and once we get to the motel you can hug me all you want; hell we can cuddle if that’s what you want.”
Sam just looked at Dean with wet eyelashes, let go and took hold of Dean’s right hand.
“Atta boy,” said Dean with a small smile.